An aging writer with very opinionated ideas and a healthy dose of sarcasm to boot.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
In Observance of Avoiding the Eternal Dirt Nap
As I mentioned in my last post, diabetes nearly got the best of me. Thank God, I'm still upright and breathing on a regular basis. That's always a good sign. The insulin is a pain in the ass, but it is doing the job, so woo-hoo for insulin. As I thought about the possibility of dying, I wondered what heaven or hell might be like if I were to take the permanent dirt nap. So without further adieu, Top 10 signs that I've reached Heaven or Hell, in no particular order.
Top 10 Signs I've Reached Heaven
1. I would see family and friends that have passed before me and get to spend unlimited time with them. Ask them questions about how Heaven works and what happened to them.
2. The setup would be similar to "Defending Your Life," with Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep. Everyone would stay in fabulous hotels and be able to eat whatever and whenever they wanted without worrying about gaining weight or eating too many carbs or sugar.
3. A box of ding dongs would be placed on my pillow each night.
4. There would be a pub where old friends and family would gather to have a few and watch the TN Titans play football or to play along with Wheel of Fortune.
5. I would look up Norman MacLean and Ernest Hemingway and ask them about writing.
6. While defending my life, there would be authority in the court (like Defending your life) that could show me key moments during my life that affected my destiny and why. I guess I want to know stuff like that.
7. I would be able to astral travel to friends and family still living and observe them and hopefully, catch their attention.
8. One of the first people I would visit would be Alan Solomon. Then I would walk upon Loi Kroh Road, albeit in a virtual state.
9. I would be allowed to ask questions and write down the answers from Jesus.
10. I would love to visit Michael, the Arch Angel and ask questions about Armeggedon.
Top 10 Reasons I know I'm in Hell
1. When I'm dying, I am in the same hospital that I just got out of.
2. The first people I see are the people that have hurt me most in my life.
3. Once I pass from this life and enter the eternal; I am made to watch Paula Abdul judge on American Idol.
4. Then I am forced to watch her videos of her "singing" and dancing.
5. Ty Pennington is yelling at me with his megaphone.
6. Everyone at the Pub I mentioned before are hateful and mean.
7. Instead of watching TN Titan Football and Wheel of Fortune, I am forced to watch Extreme Home Makeover and cry at all the obvious spots.
8. Laughter isn't allowed here and no one appreciates sarcastic humor.
9. "How come?" isn't allowed here.
10. A bowl of beets and cottage cheese is left on my pillow each night. And, every calorie counts.