Let's Get Ready to RUUMMM-BLE!

Ladies and Gentlemen,
In this corner, Vienna Sausage; The bleached blond bimbo from ABC's The Bachelor, weighing in as a empty-headed, petty, money-hungry, always-stirring-the-pot of adolescent drama, grade A, Valley Girl asshole.  (Applause, applause)

"I'd like to thank all the little people for this bad acting award..."

And, in the other corner, Jake, the Crying Bachelor; A middle-aged, dancing crybaby who enjoys dancing in his tighty-whities from ABC's The Bachelor, weighing in as a smug, controlling, sexually confused ex-pilot, trying to make it in Hollywood who has become the voice of reason in this ridiculous fight match with Vienna Sausage aired on this evening's episode of The Bachelorette. 

(I'm still reeling over this one)

Is this what it's come to?  Really?  People enjoy watching this crap??  I purposely watched it tonight to see if there were any valid arguments between them.  I began to dislike Vienna Sausage even more because her atrocious acting, complete with running off the set with her crocodile tears intact were laughable.  Then, not to be outdone, Jake's expert command of smug and pompous retorts made me gag.  I couldn't decide if I should laugh or stare at the tv screen with a bewildered look upon my face. 

More uncontrollable sobbing. Medic?

I think I mostly sat in disbelief that people really watch this shit. 

Amazing.

More Musings Later-

The Skank Scale

Okay, once again, I've put on my "big girl" panties and ready to move on to other subjects besides affairs of the heart. 

I would like to explore what I term, "The Skank Factor."  You've surely heard the term, haven't you?  Such as, That girl/boy is so skanky!  But what truly constitutes someone being labled "A Skank?"  I didn't invent the word, but I do like to consider myself somewhat an officianado of the term.  How do I know this?  I find myself commenting on people who appear to be, well...Skank-ish.  To me, skank is someone that appears to be unkempt in their appearance, showing too much skin and oblivious to what good taste is all about. 


Let's review some folks who I consider to be skanky, shall we?

Dancing with the Stars
The professional dancer, Edita (sp?) appears to be skanky to me.  If I were to register her skank factor on the trusty Skank Scale, she would rate a 9.  That's getting up there.  I cringe each time I see her dancing as her skankiness is so profound to me.  I'm not the authority of skank, I simply calls'em likes I sees'em.

The Neandrathal man aka, Tony, another professional dancer on this show.  His eyebrows are so prominent, it makes his eyes appear as if they are sunk into his head.  His skank factor is about a 3.  Not bad and nothing a little weed whacking can't correct.

The Bachelor
Jake - Mercy, what can we say here?  I nearly tossed my cookies when I saw him dancing in his underwear on Dancing with the Stars.  Let me elaborate on his skankiness.  He is extremely well groomed and doesn't qualify for skank based on that criteria.  His qualifying event is that he is showing too much skin and oblivious to what good taste entails.  That and he cries at the drop of a hat.  Thus, he is a double-decker:  A Skanky-Cry Baby.  He rates 15 on the 1 through 10 scale. 

Actors (Men)
Men that refuse to shave daily posess a bit of skankiness in my book.  You know the look, the 5 o'clock shadow, the stubble, the look that they haven't had a shower in a week.  Pure unadulterated SKANK.

Some of the worst offenders:  Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Alec Baldwin.  The funny thing is, when they make a movie as a romantic lead, they shed their skankiness as a snake sheds it's skin.  Therefore, I rate them as Skank on a sliding scale.  Alec Baldwin rates differently:  I would rate him a Belly Buster-Crappy Daddy-Skank master.  He qualifies on all levels.

Women
Some women qualify on different levels.  For example, Pamela Anderson; she is well-groomed, but I think she presents the wrong idea about herself.  Her animal rights contributions are often overlooked because of this.  Her skankiness is about a 2.  Button up your blouse, Pamela and show the world your humanitarian efforts.

Me:  While I am well groomed, I consider myself to be somewhat skanky.  Why?  I need to shave my legs.  I'm glad I'm not on Dancing with the Stars.  Between my hairy legs and Neandrathal Man's eyebrows, we would tip the Skanky scale at a Follicle Phenomenon Skank Twins. 

More Musings Later-

Okay, I've put my "Big Girl Panties" on

That's code for I'm going to try to push forward and behave like an adult.  Although, grief happens at any age and for a variety of reasons.  Moving on.

"The Crying Weenie Player", Jake

Did anyone watch "The Bachelor" last night?  Every year, I swear I won't watch it because it galls me so much and I break it every time.  This year, almost made it.  We were at a friend's house last night and she wanted to see the final show and we all needed to see who Derek Hough would be dancing with this season, am I right, Ladies????

Well, it didn't take long to learn what had transpired.  There's this really handsome pilot named Jake that is 31 years old and still a bachelor.  It was down to 2 girls he was choosing between.  I say "girl" on purpose because they acted as if they had just gotten out of high school.  Their chirpy little voices were Valley Girl-ish and they smiled constantly.  That bugs me. 

"Tin Foil"

One girl's name was Tinsley.  Strange name, and yes, I should talk.  I just refer to her as "Tinfoil".  She was the more mature girl of the two.  Jake liked this girl but told her TO HER FACE, "I'm just not physically attracted to you as I am the other bimbo."  Really?  seems to me that you were knocking the boots the entire season with this one and you were enjoying it.  NOW you decide you're just not that into her?  Okay, I see why you've been a bachelor for so long.  You're a weenie or a player.  You get what you want and then cry about it afterwards. 

"Vicks Vapor Rub"

Then his wife to be is named Viseral, Vision, no, wait...Vicks Vapor Rub, uh...I can't remember.  Blond hair, Valley girl, weird voice, immature as Jake, doesn't get along with anyone.  She is a pitiful one.  Nobody likes her (code for "I'm a bee-otch"), she NEEDS Jake (code for: she has issues and lots of em if she needs a player that crys about it) and she is in love with him.  If I hear that one more time from these girls I will smack them into next week.  They are not in love, but IN LUST.  All they have been doing is humping this guy.  That's it. 

So there ya have it.  Tin Foil lost and Vicks Vapor Rub won.  And, I still don't know which star Derek Hough is dancing with. 

More Musings Later-

I Don't Get It...

Last night, I was flipping through the channels on TV and of course, nothing was on. (Cue Bruce Springsteen's "Fifty-Seven Channels and nothing's on music)

I finally resigned myself to watch "The Bachelorette" especially since a friend was telling me that she LOOOOOVVVVVED the show. Heck, maybe it will be something decent to watch. So, I began to watch it and this woman had the task of picking between 6 or 7 men. (I lost count). When I realized it was a reality show, I could feel my eyes begin to glaze over.

Anyway, they were in Alaska (cue various Sarah Palin clips) and she was "speed dating" each one of these guys. Then, there came a point where she had to kick one guy out of the competition. She began to boo-hoo and the guy was all upset. You would have thought they had been dating for years, for God's sake. So, he's booted off and the other guys are acting like school girls, squealing about who would be next?

Then she began quizzing each guy one on one. Do you want kids? Do you want marriage? Do you blah blah blah blah blah blah.

They all started out, "I feel myself falling in love with you and yes, I want kids and Yes I want blah blah blah blah blah blah.

HELLO???? "I FEEL MYSELF FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU???" These people have known each other for a matter of days! You're in LOVE???? Give me a break.

Here's the kicker: The woman dumped the one guy because, "He didn't make a good living and she wants someone that makes alot of money."

Uh....what's wrong with YOUR hands and feet, Barbie?? Don't mooch off of someone else! Get over yourself woman!!!!!!

Did I mention that am still on steroids?

More Musings Later-

I'm Getting Sick of Reality Shows

Ok, they were interesting in the beginning. You know the ones I am referring to:

• The Bachelor/Bachelorette
• American Idol
• Hell's Kitchen
• HGTV's New Host Competition
• Big Brother
• Food Channel's various reality shows

And many many more...

I am tired of the "dramatic music" the "immunity challenges" the prounouncement of "You're safe!" and the ridiculous emotions.

These challenges or games that grown men and women play seem so childish and they are totally oblivious.

I watched "The Bachelor" once. That was enough. Being a feminist, the idea of a group of grown women groveling over 1 man turned my stomach. But let's put that aside for a moment, shall we?

What absolutely killed me is that when these women were "eliminated" from the bachelor's list of his future wife, these women would discuss how they felt about being eliminated as they were being driven home.

"Oh! I was so in love with him! I'll never get over it!" the woman would wail. Huh? How long have you known him? a few days? a week maybe? Get over yourself!!!!

My favorite part though (NOT) is when the bachelor gives each bachelorette a rose so that they are "safe". (Tag, you're it. Here we go round the mulberry bush).

It goes something like this: "(insert name), Will you accept this rose?"

"Oh, Darling! Of course!!" (more groveling to ensue).

Also worth mentioning: Travis Stork's new book, "Don't be that girl". You know, the kind that go on a reality tv show and grovel over one man. Travis was the mild mannered Nashvillian doctor who was the nice guy on "The Bachelor" . I saw him on a tv show (Dr Phil) pitching the book and I thought "Hmmmm, he is dispensing advice to women about dating and relationships. Yet, he struggles with the same issues. Interesting."

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Hell's Kitchen

I still like to watch this show somewhat...although Chef Gordon Ramsey goes overboard with the antics. When he gets his group of chefs for the show, I sit and ponder, Is this really the best he could find? I'm worried if that is the case.

One show, he asked each chef to make their speciality dish. He tasted one dish and made a tormented face and threw up into a nearby garbage pail.

Yeah, we get it. The dish sucked. Do we have to see what you ate for dinner last night to get the message?

Sheesh....bring back the sitcoms. I miss All in the Family, Roseanne, and Will and Grace. Oh, don't forget my new favorites: Anthony Bourdain's Travels and Andrew Zimmer's Bizarre Foods.

More Musings Later-