Top 10 Stupid Things I Heard While in the Hospital

By now, you all know how I feel about doctors and hospitals. Particularly the one I seem to continually visit on a regular basis. I must have done something very bad in my last life to repeat this bad karma. Oh well, at least I have my cheery disposition. (yes, that is sarcasm).

Without further adieu:

10. After waiting over an hour for my discharge paperwork to be done, I ask how much longer I have to wait.

Response: "Oh, Are you ready to go?"

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9. After taking my temperature and noting that it's low, a nurse tech puts his hand on his hip and asks, "Girrrrrl, What you do last night?"

My Response: "I went to a Martini bar and went clubbing all night. What do you think??"

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8. When checking my glucose level, the nurse tells me it's high and asks in frustration: "What did you eat last night?"

My Response: "I ate what the doctor ordered, it's not like I snuck out for a chocolate shake or something."

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7. After noticing that a sign was placed on my door and cleaning crews were coming in with masks and gloves to clean, I ask what is going on. "Oh, it's in the computer that you had an infectious disease (vasculitis) in 2008 and we didn't clean and separate you properly from hospital staff the last time so we're doing it now."

I have no response and begin looking for Tom Bergeron to pop out of the bathroom for an episode of AFV.

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6. I call the nurse and request a glass of ice water.

"Oh, are you thirsty?"

My response: "No, I'm just checking to see if the intercom works."

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5. A nurse I call "Grumpy Greta" comes in and gives me an insulin shot. I ask if she isn't supposed to wait until my lunch arrives first before giving it to me.

Her gravely response: "Yeah, but my feet hurt and I'm trying to save myself some steps. I hope your food comes soon."

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4. I'm in awful pain from my arthritis and I ask for a pain medication.

The nurse's reply: "Will Tylenol do?"

My response: "Only if it is the Tylenol that is spelled L-O-R-T-A-B"

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3. A nurse comes in and begins handing medication to take for the day.

"Here's your Methotrexate, Haladol and..."

I interrupt: "That's not my medication."

Nurse: "Oh crap! This is for across the hall. Where is my head?"

I silently think, "Sadly, it's attached to your shoulders."

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2. A Nurse walks in and pats my hand and says she's sorry to hear I have HIV.

My Response: "I don't have HIV. I have Vasculitis which is an infectious disease."

Her Response. "Isn't that the same thing?"

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And the Stupidest thing I heard at the Hospital was:

1. After the Dr says that she noticed that my blood sugar was high 2 months ago;

My Response: "Well, then why didn't you start treating me for Diabetes then?"

Her Response: "Well, I guess I should have caught that."

My Internal Response: "Ya Think?"

More Musings Later-

Healthcare in America SUCKS

Not too long ago, I was in the hospital. Now, before I entered this hospitial, I felt comfortable going to it, it seemed nice and clean, full of competant medical professionals. Boy, was I wrong.

Top 10 Things you can expect while in the Hospital

10. You're not going to get any sleep.

Nurses are in and out and out and in all freaking night. Do they bring towels? Water? something you can use? No, No, and No. That takes forethought.

9. You're going to drive the nurse's station crazy because you'll hit the wrong button on your remote and call them when you really want to watch channel 2.

The deep exaspperated sigh over the intercom evokes a vision of the nurse rolling her eyes at you.

6. You will encounter "Hospitalists". They are doctors but they have a crappy schedule and work "for" your regular doctor. You also won't be able to remember their names and what one says versus the other. What's even worse, you feel so bad, you don't care. You just want them to shut up.

5. There will be a sign above your bed that will say, "Do NOT take BP in left arm." They do it anyway.

(see the sign above the bed to the right?)

4. When they come to make up your bed with fresh linens, they bring you wash cloths and towels. The problem is once you use them, they never take them back.

3. When you carry on conversation with a "nurses tech" (they take temp, bp and put a bandaid on your boo-boo).

The conversation goes like this: "So, what kind of experience do you have to have to become a nurses tech?" Nurse's response? "Nothin, I'm right off the street".

2. My toilet paper doesn't runneth over -

You need a roll of toilet paper. You ask....and ask....and ask....the nurse looks bored and wonders if it's going to flurry outside. She walks out of the room and you ask...and ask...and ask some more.

1. You're ready to get out of the hospital because they are still scratching their heads over what you have and you know the bill is going to be expensive.

You punch the nurses station button and tell the nurse, "Where is the doctor? Nurse: "Maam, he is in another part of the building seeing a patient and then he is going home."

Your reply: "Don't make me get all Shirley MacLaine on you," there is a long silence. Next thing you know, the hospitalist is standing in front of you reading your tests which equates to: "I dunno".