Top 10 Stupid Things I Heard While in the Hospital

By now, you all know how I feel about doctors and hospitals. Particularly the one I seem to continually visit on a regular basis. I must have done something very bad in my last life to repeat this bad karma. Oh well, at least I have my cheery disposition. (yes, that is sarcasm).

Without further adieu:

10. After waiting over an hour for my discharge paperwork to be done, I ask how much longer I have to wait.

Response: "Oh, Are you ready to go?"

~~~~

9. After taking my temperature and noting that it's low, a nurse tech puts his hand on his hip and asks, "Girrrrrl, What you do last night?"

My Response: "I went to a Martini bar and went clubbing all night. What do you think??"

~~~~

8. When checking my glucose level, the nurse tells me it's high and asks in frustration: "What did you eat last night?"

My Response: "I ate what the doctor ordered, it's not like I snuck out for a chocolate shake or something."

~~~~

7. After noticing that a sign was placed on my door and cleaning crews were coming in with masks and gloves to clean, I ask what is going on. "Oh, it's in the computer that you had an infectious disease (vasculitis) in 2008 and we didn't clean and separate you properly from hospital staff the last time so we're doing it now."

I have no response and begin looking for Tom Bergeron to pop out of the bathroom for an episode of AFV.

~~~~

6. I call the nurse and request a glass of ice water.

"Oh, are you thirsty?"

My response: "No, I'm just checking to see if the intercom works."

~~~~

5. A nurse I call "Grumpy Greta" comes in and gives me an insulin shot. I ask if she isn't supposed to wait until my lunch arrives first before giving it to me.

Her gravely response: "Yeah, but my feet hurt and I'm trying to save myself some steps. I hope your food comes soon."

~~~~

4. I'm in awful pain from my arthritis and I ask for a pain medication.

The nurse's reply: "Will Tylenol do?"

My response: "Only if it is the Tylenol that is spelled L-O-R-T-A-B"

~~~~

3. A nurse comes in and begins handing medication to take for the day.

"Here's your Methotrexate, Haladol and..."

I interrupt: "That's not my medication."

Nurse: "Oh crap! This is for across the hall. Where is my head?"

I silently think, "Sadly, it's attached to your shoulders."

~~~~

2. A Nurse walks in and pats my hand and says she's sorry to hear I have HIV.

My Response: "I don't have HIV. I have Vasculitis which is an infectious disease."

Her Response. "Isn't that the same thing?"

~~~~

And the Stupidest thing I heard at the Hospital was:

1. After the Dr says that she noticed that my blood sugar was high 2 months ago;

My Response: "Well, then why didn't you start treating me for Diabetes then?"

Her Response: "Well, I guess I should have caught that."

My Internal Response: "Ya Think?"

More Musings Later-

I Avoided the Eternal Dirt Nap

Yep, I had all the signs for the past 2 weeks and it dawned on me what it finally was; Diabetes.


You know the signs:

• Extreme thirstiness (as in you would kill something for a bottled water)
• Even more exhaustion, losing a significant amount of weight in a short period of time (as in 23 pounds in 2 weeks.)
• Blurry Vision

So, this past Saturday night I look up my symptoms and deduce it must be diabetes. I took my glucose level reading. Der, not good. In fact, alarming. Sunday morning, take it again, even worse. Ok, a call to the dr first thing Monday morning. I start to get irritated because I've been to the doctor on a regular basis and I finally see on my labs that my glucose was notated as "high" and my doctors said or did nothing about it. Don't even get me started. In fact, 2 of them noted that I had an "enlarged liver." and that "the high glucose is most likely steroid induced."

So you don't do anything? Jeez my knees, I feel like I must be my own doctor. I guess from now on, I will need to pore over all my medical and lab reports. The health care system is truly broken and in a complete state of disarray. My only thought about it is pure disgust.


So, schedule a physical with my doctor cause that is the only way she can see me fast. So on Tuesday I go into the doctor and she goes through the motions. I tell her to test me for Diabetes. "Why?" she asks...UH cause I have high blood sugar readings on my labs, hello?? She asks my symptoms and I tell her. So I do the urine test and they take my glucose reading.


Can we say "595"???? My doctor's jaw is on the floor and she walks next door to another doctor and tells him what is going on. She comes back in and takes a breath and tells me I'm dangerously close to having convulsions, having a stroke or worse. I HAVE to go into the hospital. The blood is running out of my face and I sit there drinking cups of water as fast as the nurse is handing it to me to try to stay hydrated. They think I have (DKA) Diabetic ketoacidosis an acute metabolic complication of diabetes characterized by hyperglycemia, hyperketonemia, and metabolic acidosis. DKA occurs mostly in type 1 diabetes. It causes nausea, vomiting, and abdominal pain and can progress to cerebral edema, coma, and death.


So, off to the hospital I go for 3 days. After getting insulin IV's, poking my fingers and veins full of holes for glucose readings and labwork, they pronounce me well enough to come home. So I am learning to be a Carb counting machine and to quote a line from one of my favorite movies with my own spin:

"I may be exhausted and weak; hell, I may even be gimpy, but Dear God, I'm still here."

The dirt nap will have to wait.

More Musings Later (thank God)

Have I Mentioned that Healthcare Sucks?

You know it stinks when you get older (as I seem to be doing against my own will), you just go to the doctor more. Now, if you have a fantastic doctor, that's not a biggie. Let me explain why I hate going to the doctor:

First and foremost, my doctor's waiting room is huge and makes me feel like I am in the middle of a very overpopulated country. (Most seats are taken)

There are a "team" of receptionists to check in patients, collect co-pays and direct traffic.

The doctors are ALWAYS late. So, hopefully you haven't scheduled anything after your appointment or you will be late (or miss it altogether).

Once your name is called, you feel like a steer that is being corralled into a pen by a very cranky nurse with a clipboard.

Terrorists could attack at this moment or Armeggedon could be in process, it doesn't matter. You have to get weighed. (which they loudly announce the results to themselves as they scribble on their clipboard).

A nurse will usher you into an examination room and throw a gown with a million ties, snaps and other shit that you can't figure out and just wrap it around you the best you can.

The nurse sits at the computer and types in your complaints, asks what meds you are on and tells you that the doctor will be in to see you in a second.

You wait

You wait

You wait

Finally, doctor comes in, asks you the same things the nurse did and keys them into the computer. They poke, prod, respond to "uh-huh" to your comments and conversation and begin scribbling prescriptions. They say they will be right back....and

You wait

You wait

You wait

You get dressed and ask the nurse running from room to room, "The doctor said she was coming back...where is she?"

"She is seeing another patient. What do you want?" she asks impatiently.

"Uh, to ask some questions..." the nurse looks extremely aggitated and responds, "You will have to wait 4 hours to speak with her personally, that is her last appointment for the day."

I look at her and think to myself, Yeah, right...I'm going to wait 4 more hours to ask a question that she should have addressed during my appointment. NOT

I decide to forego the marathon doctor's appointment and offer my usual catch phrase after a doctor's appointment, screw it.

I make my way to the entrance of the hospital and look for the valet (i told you it was like being in an overpopulated country) to give my receipt to get my car. They left for the day and I have to walk to the other side of the hospital (world) to get my keys and fetch my car myself.

I get home and think...next time I'll wait until I feel good before I go to the doctor.

More Musings Later-

Observations

My first observation: Today, March 12th is Liza Minnelli's birthday.

My thoughts: Happy Birthday. Please retire.

My Observation: I went to the doctor to have him look at how my foot is healing. He did x-rays and remarked that I now have a hairline of where the break was on my foot. "There's nothing more to do for the foot. It has to heal on it's own. Just give it time. Come back in 6 weeks and I'll look at it again."

My thought: If all it needs is time to heal, then what do I need to see you for?

My observation: If you have a group of women sit at a table and serve them lunch. You will see multiple pairs of eyes casually taking sidelong glances of the other woman's plate. Each woman is thinking to themselves, "Am I eating too much? Am I eating slow/fast enough? Will the other woman think I'm a pig?"

My thoughts: Shut up and Eat.

My observation: You can tell alot about a doctor's office by the tv programs they show for people in the waiting room.

My thoughts: If a doctor's office has Jerry Springer blaring, run. Your doctor will most definitely run tests to see, "Who yo baby's daddy?"

My observation: American Idol is popular as ever. Complete with the choreographed routines with choir-like singing, Ryan Seacrest with his over dramatic "This (dramatic pause) is American Idol!" Simon with his peculiar effiminant gesturing and cattiness and Paula well, being Paula with her musical critiques, "You look beautiful," et al.

My thought: Why?

My observation: there is the time change. We fall back and spring ahead. We have more hours of sunlight when we spring ahead.

My thought: If we have more hours of sunlight, why does the day seem so short?

More Musings Later-

I've got the P-Diddy Pity Pot Blues...

Okay, Doc Hollywood (my neuro) said that the honeymoon period of my Parkinson's would end at some point and I would start experiencing more symptoms. Blah blah blah is all I heard. I had a great attitude, I knew that I could get through it just fine, thank you very much.

Okay, I'm pissed off. Can I say that? Can I say that and still have a good attitude? Well, even if I can't, I'm pissed off! Why? Okay, I'll let you into the world of me. A middle-aged woman, with sarcastic humor with PD, scarred up legs from vasculitis and a broken left foot.

Imagine yourself sitting in your chair in the living room tippity typing on your laptop. You are working on a client's memoirs and enjoying the work. Then your beautiful aging beagle puts her head on your knee and looks at you with that "I need to go outside to do my business" look. Then, she starts whining...then yelping...and wait...let me type one more word...then she starts "yelling" by barking loudly. Okay okay! I tell her.

Baby, the aging beautiful beagle

I stand up and I can hear my bones crack. I immediately hunch over because....well, that's what I do. It's part of PD. I feel lightheaded and unsteady...I start clutching furniture on the way to the kitchen. The beagle is running in circles, tail is wagging with such force that it looks like a propeller. I'm coming! I tell her. Wait....grab on to the kitchen chair. Quick, turn it around and sit down I tell myself....wait, my knees are buckling....wait....WAIT! I sit on the edge of the chair and clutch the table trying to sit in the middle of the seat. I can't do it. I'm going down with the ship. CRAP! Ouch! CRAP! I hear a "snap" sound and my foot is engulfed in pain.

Meanwhile, the beagle comes over and looks at you and burps in your face. then she licks your nose and waits for you to get up and let her outside. Damn! I can't move for maybe 2-3 seconds...Finally, I can get up. Crap! my body hurts. You finally situate your body so that you can let the dog out and take a breather sitting on the floor holding her retractable lead.

Okay, that is one burr in my butt. Here's the next:

I'm tired. Have I said that already? I'm not just tired....I'M TIRED. Sometimes it takes all I have just to get my butt out of bed. Which brings me to the next point of contention. I take naps. Not just 1 nap a day...I've taken as many as 4 naps in one day. You're probably muttering to yourself, "No way," I'm here to tell you "Yes Way."

I'm also tired of talking and in mid-sentence my mind goes blank.

• Walking into a room and wondering what for?
• What did you say?
• When did that happen?
• Where was I?
• Huh?
• Why did you do that?
• What day is it?

Well???

More Musings Later, (If I can remember)

Falls, Referrals and Boots, Oh My!

Can I say one thing I have observed in recent months?

HEALTHCARE SUCKS

Now, I didn't bitch when I got the vasculitis (Churg/Strauss Syndrome) although I wanted to! I won't post the pics of my breakout they are so disgusting...but, I am 46 and have been fairly healthy for the most part...no major surgeries and so forth. So, what the hey, I decided to grin and bear it. I kept thinking of my sister putting up with the same crap only much more so and now I was feeling some of her pain.

So, I still have a nasty rash on my legs and feet and I guess I've grown used to seeing it. I'm on my last antiobiotic (Praise Jesus) and I've weaned myself off of insulin and massive doses of steroids.

Can I say steroids SUCK? I was SO depressed while taking it in the hospital and at home. I remember when I watched a football game one evening, it was the NY Giants vs somebody that I can't remember at the moment and they lost. (I was rooting for NY). What did I do? I cried like a baby. Then when my Titans lost, I sobbed. Why???? STEROIDS. Don't take them, they suck.

Okay, then I am weaning myself off all this crap, right? Then on Sunday, I had been working and was seated with my laptop on my lap. I stood up and my Parkinson's got me. My balance was horrible and I could feel myself going down. Next thing I know, I feel something crack and my ass is on the floor. My knee is swollen and my foot was throbbing in pain. Oh, it's just a twisted ankle, I think to myself. I try to get back up and stand up on that leg....no, it isn't a twisted ankle, nor a sprain. I mean this HURT.

So, once again I go to the doctor who is trying to make an appointment with a Rhumatoid Arthritus doctor for my vasculitis. "Change in plans, doc...I hurt my foot really bad." So, I go to see a orthopedist today. I roll up my pants leg to show him my foot and he looks horrified. "Oh yeah, I have vasculitis." He puts on plastic gloves and looks like he is going to pass out examining my foot. He starts examining my foot, pressing here, pressing there....nothing too painful.

He goes to look at my x-ray. He comes back and takes his thumb and presses in the center of my foot below my 2nd toe. After he regained his hearing from the shriek of pain I bellowed, he remarks, "Did you take alot of steroid for your vasculitis?" I tell him yes.

"You know that steroids weaken your bones, right? That's probably what happened with your foot. By the way, your metatarcel bone is broken."

So, here I am hobbling out of the dr's office with a big honking foot brace. "See me in 2 weeks, it should heal on it's own," he reminds me.

Part of me is pissed and the other part thinks it's funny. I wish you could have seen the sheer horror on the dr's face when looking at my legs/feet.

I guess this long post brings me to this; I was trying to look on the bright side of all of this and it felt like it just kept coming at me. I was mad about it! But, I was brought up to make the best of things. Which I tried my best.

But tonight, I thought of a section of Roseanne Barr's book when she was detailing a similar situation. Here's the gist:

"I went to the store as a little kid and bought groceries for the family with money my mother gave me. I would walk to and from the store with 2 big bags...On my way out of the store, I saw an old lady that dropped some money and didn't realize it. I put my bags down and ran to get the money to give back to the old lady. I tripped when I ran through a pothole and fell.

It was then that I learned that God hates a kiss-ass."

More Musings Later-